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Army Rules 50% Gay

NORTH CAROLINA - For nineteen months, 17-year Army veteran Capt. Chris Chumbucket has made four resignation requests. Reason: he's come to regard himself as bisexual. But Army officials have not only refused these requests, they've questioned the credibility of his claims.

"There is [simply] insufficient evidence that any [homosexual] conduct has occurred," wrote Maj. Gen. Raymond Barrett Jr., commander of the U.S. Army Training Center at Fort Jackson.

"I'm just trying to do what I believe is right," Capt. Chumbucket said from the turret of his tank.

Sources suggest he may seek work in the private sector leading troops of bisexual Boy Scouts.

Locally known simply as "Chumbucket" in St. Mary's County, Maryland, many of his close friends were surprised.

"I thought he wanted to be a lifer", said close friend Al Stevens, "You know, with all of the men in uniform and everything".

His wife, The Love Dwarf, was equally surprised. "I've never doubted his manhood, but this was a surprise. I just thought all of the sleepovers were harmless drinking buddies".

Correspondent Hammer contributed to this news report.

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