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Greatest Fear in Life - After I'm dead and gone, my wife will sell all of my fishing gear (and boat) for what I "claimed" to have paid for it.
 

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My wife asked me if I would remarry if she were to pass away. I said I didn't know. She said it wouldn't bother her to know that I would remarry. So I replied I probably would. Then she said would you take her fishing and I replied I probably would. She then asked if I would allow her to use her fishing gear. I said no because she's into baitcasting not spinning. OOPS!
 

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A man was stopped by the DNR leaving Sandy Point Ramp recently with two buckets of fish

The officer asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the officer, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the officer replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the officer for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The officer was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the officer turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the officer
prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.
 

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Billy Joe moves from the hills to Baltimore and is looking for a job. He goes to the Bass Pro Shop and the manager decides to give him a shot since most of them boys love huntin' a fishin' even though he seems a little inbred .

"Ok, Billy. You're job is sales. You just walk the floor and help customers find what they need and help them buy more than they want. I'll check on you this afternoon to see how you did".

As Billy's shift gets close to ending the manager spots him on the floor and asks how he did.

"Well, I gots one sale for the feller over there".

The manager was disappointed. "One sale? Billy, most guys do at least 12 a day, and that's a slow day! Well, how much was it for"?

Billy replied "$78,609.12".

The manager about fainted. "Billy, that's incredible! How in the world did you do that"?

"Well, that feller came in and I sold him some hooks".

"Hooks??" The manager was perplexed. "Billy, I don't think every hook in the store costs that much".

"Now hold on a minute..after the hooks, I asked if he had any rods n reels and he didn't. So I hooked him up with a dozen of the best ones we got. And then I asked if he had any bait and lures. Sure enough, he didn't have any so I went down every aisle and built him a top notch fishin' box. Then I asked if he had a boat to get to the fish and wouldn't you know he didn't so we walked over to the Trackers and we rigged him up the best boat that money can buy".

"Wow!" the manager said "All that from fishing hooks"!

"Oh, no". Billy replied, "He didn't come in for fishing hooks. He just came in to browse around while his wife went into the drugstore to buy some tampons. I said 'Well, as long as your weekend is screwed, you may as well go fishin'. You got any hooks?"
 

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Two young guys want to learn how to fish so they go down to the dock and find an old timer to take them out.
Soon as they get on the boat the old timer says "the most important thing bout learning fishin is to PAY ATTENTION!".
They go out and catch some fish, one of the youngsters asks how to tell the males from the females......the old timer grabs a fish, sticks his finger up its anus, gives it a lick and pronounces it to be a male. Does the same thing with another fish and pronounces it to be a female.
Tells the young guys "now you try it".
With trepidation they each try it and are soon spitting and puking all over the deck.
The old-timer (laughing) looks at 'em while holding up two fingers and says, "I stuck this one up the fish, I licked this other one....NOW PAY ATTENTION !"
 

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NRP boarded a man's boat and found a cooler full of fish but didn't see a fishing rod anywhere on the boat. How did you catch these fish he asked. He then saw a tackle box and opened it to find many sticks of dynamite. He said that it was illegal to catch fish that way and he was going to arrest him. The guy took a stick out of the tackle box, lit it, handed it to the NRP officer and said, " You just going to stand there or are you going to fish?"..................Gary
 

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Two guys were Salmon fishing in Alaska when one heard a grunt behind him. He turned to look and it was a 9 foot Grizzly Bear 10 feet away. He reached in his back pack and his buddy asked if he had a gun. Quiet he said as he pulled out a pair of running shoes and put them on. His buddy said, "Don't be stupid. You can never out run a Grizzley Bear." He said, "I don't have to out run the Grizzly Bear, I just have to out run you!".................Gary
 

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I just got a new offshore rod and reel for my wife... Pretty good trade, huh?
 

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Two 80 year old fishermen decide to go fishing every week The one old guy fishes off the left side of the boat and tears them up the other guy gets skunked. The next time he fishes the right side same results. this goes on all summer. After a while his friend cant take it any more and asks whats your secret. His answer is this if I wake up and my pecker is lying to the left I fish off the left side and if its laying to the right I fish off the right. His friend asked what if you wake up with a hard on ? Then I dont go fishing!!!
 

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Quote from my uncle Carl... "The trick to catching fish is holding your mouth right and it generally works better closed"

A young boy was ice fishing and really catching the fish. When asked by other anglers what the secret was the boy mumbled something like " awgabba-gabba-wab waam"... the anglers said "WHAT"... The boy spit something into his hand and said "YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM"

I used to put a little Jim Beam in my minnow bucket cause I thought it gave the minnows false courage... one time a 5lb. Bass that minnow had him right by the throat!

The best one is when I heard a DNR official say that the Striper stock was in good shape!
 

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A man was stopped by the DNR leaving Sandy Point Ramp recently with two buckets of fish

The officer asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the officer, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the officer replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the officer for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The officer was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the officer turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the officer
prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.
LOL!!!
 

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This guy walks out onto the ice with all his ice fishing gear, auger, tip ups, etc., sets up the auger and just as he's about to start drilling he heres a distant voice "there's no fish here", scratches his head for a second so he moves a short distance and just before he starts drilling the hole he here's it again but a little louder and more forceful "there's no fish here" so he looks up and says, "God?"... a pause, then the reply "No you idiot, this is the rink manager, get out of here"
 

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One man's hobby was fishing. He spent every weekend near the river or by the lake. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. But it was so cold and raining, that he decided to return back to his house.

The man came in, and went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.

"What terrible weather today, Honey," he said to her.

"Yes, she answered. "And my idiot husband went fishing."
 

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Two dummies were fishing in a rental boat. They were catching fish left and right. One said this really is a hotspot. We should mark this spot. With that his buddy took out a Sharpie and marked a rather large X in the bottom of the boat. His buddy watched and said " Now that's about as stupid a thing as I have ever seen". How do you know that we'll get the same boat next time?"
 

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four fishing buddies planned a trip up to their lake house for a fishing weekend.

The thursday night one guy called and said his wife wouldn't let him go and he had to stay home that weekend (graybeard)

The other three tried to convince him to come anyways, but he said no way, when she says so I'd better listen

So reluctantly the three other work all day friday and get a late start up to the camp, when they arrive they see their other buddy sitting on the dock, cooler of beer and a line in the water.

They walk out to him and say "I thought you couldn't make it"?, He replied "plans changed"

"How'd you convince your wife to let you come up?"

"Well Friday morning I woke up to breakfast in bed, after I ate she went in the closet and came out in some new lingerie, she had a pair of hand cuffs and a whip"

Her only words were "cuff me to the bed and do what ever you like"

"So here I am"
 

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Not a joke, but a cartoon. Picture a cross section of a lake with a boat with a couple of fishermen in it. Fish are stacked up solid under both sides of the boat, but below the boat there is absolutely nothing. One fisherman says to the other "This looks like as good a spot as any". This is a relic of pre-fish finder days.
 

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"How do you catch fish through the ice?" a novice bystander asked the old fisherman.

He calmly told them that first you get a can of peas form your mother's cupboard. Then you get a saw from your father's workshop. Then you go out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice and dump the can of peas in the open hole.

"The bystander said "I don't see how that's going to catch any fish through the ice."

Again the old fisherman slowly spoke and said that after you dump the peas in, you just sit back and wait. "Wait for what? the bystander again asked.

You wait for the fish to come up and take a pea and then you kick him in the ice hole! And that's how you catch fish through the ice.
 
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