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February 2, 2007

(2007-02-02) — In the wake of a scientific report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) that global warming is likely man-made, al Qaeda interim spokesman Ayman al-Zawahiri today issued a formal apology for his organization’s role in emitting “human pollutants” into the atmosphere.

Mr. Zawahiri, in a videotaped message, said, “When I read the climate change report and saw that much of the problem is made of man, I said to myself, ‘Ayman, you will never win respect in the global community if you keep destroying Mother Earth with this human-based pollution.’”

The renowned Muslim cleric, financier and entrepreneur noted that a “byproduct of our industry is a certain amount of biological particulate emissions, along with the normal carbon-based and synthetic toxins which naturally vent from our work sites.”

Al Qaeda scientists are working on ways to mitigate emissions, including development of a “filter bag” to be worn by the jihadi on his last day at work. That prototype won’t be ready for market. however, until researchers can figure out “how to stifle emissions without reducing total output and gross domestic product.”

A spokesman for IPCC welcomed the apology, but noted that SUV drivers and cigarette smokers in the United States produce more greenhouse gases in a single day than al Qaeda does in six or seven martyrdom operations.

“It’s the Americans who need to change their lifestyles,” said the IPCC source. “Al Qaeda’s impact is minimal, and from a strictly scientific point of view, may be helpful, because each of their endeavors tends to remove a number of gas-producers from the earth, resulting in a net reduction greenhouse gas emissions over several decades.”
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