ScrappleFace Editorial Board Endorses Barack Obama
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace
Barack Obama, shown here effectively using the dispassionate detachment that has inspired so many to get behind him.
Rarely has one man so captivated a nation with his readiness to prepare to serve.
That's why the editorial board at ScrappleFace, on behalf of the vast editorial staff, today endorses Barack Obama for the office of junior senator from Illinois.
Although the prospect of an Obama presidency, from a satirical perspective, represents a hopeful future of full employment, the editors of ScrappleFace cannot let their own needs stand in the way of the needs of the Senate, or indeed, of the people of the world.
Barack Obama's temperament makes him ideally suited to an institution that President George Washington reportedly once called 'the cooling saucer' of the Republic. Evidence of Mr. Obama's suitability for this role is manifold…
According to friends (who he calls 'Obam-associates') , Barack Obama is so cool…
- The only reason he doesn't smoke very often is that the flame on his cigarette keeps going out.
- Once, during a conference committee meeting, Rep. Barney Frank borrowed Sen. Obama's pen, and immediately got his tongue stuck to its frosty surface. Even then, Sen. Obama was so cool, he just reached over and snapped the pen from Rep. Frank's mouth, leaving the grateful Congressman with no lasting effect but a barely-noticeable speech impediment.
- At a recent concert and political rally, when Bruce Springsteen got 'The Fever', he skipped the Tylenol, because his friend Barack was there. When The Boss sang 'I'm on Fire', Sen. Obama extinguished him.
- When his wife Michelle, his former pastor Jeremiah Wright, or a guy in his neighborhood named Bill Ayers, occasionally let loose with fiery outbursts of anger, just being near Barack Obama allows them to 'chill' like a typical white grandmother, shivering because she just saw a black man.
- Despite his elite education in private schools and substantial wealth acquired through individual initiative, he calmly tells fellow African-Americans that their only hope lies in dependence upon union bosses and government social programs.
- When pondering the fate of an aborted infant, accidentally born alive, he can dispassionately discourse on whether the mother's right to privacy, under the Roe v. Wade amendment to the Constitution, should continue until the baby's first, or second, bounce on the delivery room floor.
Barack Obama's experience with, and oft-stated appreciation of, John McCain's decades of service, will make him a leader among his senate colleagues in reaching out to President McCain to write new sentences in his own multi-paragraph history of 'Great Acts of Bipartisanship'.
Sen. Obama's sparse record of writing legislation means only two things…
1) as they say in baseball, "He's due" (a significant bill could emerge from his pen any minute), and
2) he's rested, ready to craft laws that will shape our future.
Sen. Obama's legislative track record makes the so-called 'do-nothing Congress', by comparison, seem like a beehive of activity and accomplishment. With its historically-low approval ratings, Congress needs someone who will make it look good.
While critics contend that his entire Senate tenure has been little but a series of tactical maneuvers in a carefully-calculated strategy to become president, Obam-associates know that his aspiration to higher office makes him a better senator because he's likely to avoid controversy as he cultivates his reputation, thus fostering a more civil atmosphere at the Capitol.
The Senate's leisurely pace (he once called it 'glacial') also provides the ideal setting for writing - perhaps that eagerly-awaited third memoir, tentatively entitled "Brush with Greatness: Ordinary American's Stories About Meeting Barack Obama."