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753 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary (supposedly) submitted this
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button And pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd
know it was working.
Awesome!!! Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie 'The Body' Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor, or, perhaps, the
batteries run out.....
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

2,706 Posts
WOW that sucks.. I remember a couple of years ago some drunk college kids not mentioning any names (me) had a 70,000 volt taser and someone said they dare somebody to taser theirself we we all looked around at each other for a minute then i stepped up to the plate and said F*** it i will do it. He turned it on and zapped it a couple of times so i could hear what it sound like not to bad i thought so he asked where do you want it i said where ever (bad mistake) the thing i didn't tell you was i just got finished drinking a 5th of jack so i though i was bullet proof boy was i wrong.:nono: He zapped me in the back of the neck for like 3 to 4 seconds i immediately hit the ground like you did started twitching and shaking. I couldn't talk or even get up myself that $hit hurt so bad and at even 70k volts it still packs a punch. I think they work great for an assailant and its a good thing for a girl to have if they don't wanna carry a gun. fortunately for me my girl carries a glock 26 9mm in her purse so i know not to piss her off.:helpsmilie: Brandon

303 Posts
Lyle, Have you found your testies yet? Try checking your wifes purse,:roflguy::roflguy::roflguy::roflguy::roflguy:
just kidding bud, she allready said she doesn't have em:eek2:
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