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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know Brandon is gonna yell at me, but I have a good excuse, I don't have the pass word to the BS board.

When I read this, I immediately thought of one of our esteemed brethren (I won't mention any names, but the initials are GB, PoP.). I will let you draw your own conclusions.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
Of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries
right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
[email protected]$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing unt il it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
 

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FYI. And I too will get yelled at by Brandon. BS Board Password is " TotalBS", which is where this belongs.
 

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It took me awhile to read because I had to keep rubbing the tears from my eyes. I needed that Thanks:clap:
 

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but...funny as.......:D :D

can ya picture greybeard getting zapped evry time swmbo finds new gear!
 

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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:clap: :clap: :D :D :thumbup: :thumbup:
 

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LMAO What a classic !!!!
 

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Holy :censored:
 

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That's funny as all get out. Can you imagine a woman doing such a thing? Let's face it a lot of us guys just have to know how this stuff works. I have to admit I bought a remote shock collar for my dog and I figured if I was going to use it on my best friend, I should know how it felt. Lets just say it works and when ever my wife calls for me to come, I run to her like crazy.:D
 

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:thumbup: :D Now that was funny....and Hillbilly if you ever dive overboard at the rips wearing a collar I'll know momma wants you home.
 

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That has been around for a couple years but it is still funny as hell.

And don't worry there is no such thing as OT on the BS board. But there is a lot of SOS.


Bert
 

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Bad part is-most guys can picture themselves doing this. Skip
 

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absolutely hilarious. Thanks for that...
 
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